


War Never Changes

by Dentss



Series: Dungeons & Dragons Canon [3]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Past, Drow, Dungeons & Dragons Campaign, Dwarves, Elves, F/F, F/M, Fights, Fluff and Crack, Gay Sex, Gods & Goddesses, M/M, Magic, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sex, Their Love Is So, Unresolved Sexual Tension, i love them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-06-02 11:03:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19440133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dentss/pseuds/Dentss
Summary: The title is a joke but the content of this iswell, mostly also a joke but some of it has solid ships nglAnyway, welcome to the crackfic collection - and genuine ship fic collection - of the Gay Campaign's party members and some NPCs. And you better bet, dearest DM, this war is far from over





	1. You Kiss Me Once I'll Kiss You Twice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the wonderful DM](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the+wonderful+DM).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bam x clown god
> 
> https://youtu.be/CmCUsleO1kM  
> thank u Rob for the fantastic song recommendations for your boyo  
> i don't own bam or the clown god! bam belongs to rob and clown god is played by our wonderful dm
> 
> also, this chapter is gonna get nsfw so buckle in

Ever since the fateful day the tower collapsed and Clown God finally answered to the prayers and dances that Bam had attempted to please him with, the clown's life had changed. Well, changed in the space of perhaps an hour before he had the dream, and then it changed once again in a much greater manner. The dream had been quite surreal, for whilst he'd spoken to Clown God before his presence and the words he spoke were special this time. Something about them had awoken the strength of Bam's beating heart to pound within his chest.

With anxiety in his chest, Bam had bitten his lip gently, looking Clown God in the eyes and requesting to honk his gorgeous red nose.

Rejection struck him hard, and for the first time Clown God denied him of the very thing that ran in Bam's blood. The honking of the nose was an age-old tradition - he thought Clown God _cared_ for him but to turn down such a thing? He must have been mistaken.

That was what he thought until the night afterwards. Sleeping, he had been tormented by the day they'd been faced with. First he'd fucked up his interactions with Ashi, then it turned out she was working with the damn Orb Weaver and then they'd given away their blood and god fuck it _all_ it was a wreck. Bam was a wreck.

These thoughts had brought the clown to a troubled sleep. He laid in silence, staring up and contemplating everything that had happened. If that damn Tiefling's corpse hadn't shown up - and that wasn't to disrespect the dead, though Bam didn't really care about the guy - he would have never been in this situation. He would have never got caught up in this tower demon evil shit. He would have been cozy, putting on shows and doing crazy shit to entertain others and make people happy but _no._ Nothing was ever that easy, it couldn't be, for the world seemed set out to torture him and for that he despised it.

Alas, there was much more than negativity to come that night.

Gradually, he slipped into a deep sleep. The night's warm arms enveloped him like a blanket of darkness.

His body was twitching as his dreamland formed and he recognised the oh-so-familiar plane in which he had been rejected by the dearest Clown God. Excitement rippled through his veins - no, _ripped_ \- and he expectantly watched the ground before him.

For a while, nothing happened. His heart sank.

_Clown God still wants to honketh my horneth, surely. The show must go on, clown code says so and the Clown God cannot disobey his own code the honkin-_

And just as that thought appeared, so did the handsome body of the Clown God himself.

Big, colourful afro beckoning him forth, Bam sprinted forwards, tears welling up in his eyes, his makeup dripping down his face as he sobbed. Confused, Clown God took his disciple into his arms, holding him tight and running a hand through his hair.

"Bam, what's wrong with you? Have you been shoving acorns up your ass again after eating those weird mushroom things?" the deity enquired with a tilt of his intricately-painted face - the most masterful makeup a clown could possibly have. Lost in the other's pure beefiness, Bam didn't quite feel the shame he otherwise would have felt.

"I-I thought you didn't like me anymore, man. I danced for you and everything, and I thought that cos, y'know, you refused to let me honk your horn that maybe you hated me..." Bam was only bringing more tears to his eyes as he spoke. Insecurity hit him hard and his breath hitched in his throat as he stared in emotional agony at the one who had brought him hope when all else failed. That warm feeling in his chest bubbled up again and he choked out another sob before giving a weak smile. "I'm so glad you're here again."

Understanding now the cause for this sudden anguish, Clown God wrapped the believer in a warm and tight hug, one of a quality only clowns could ever hope to achieve. His gloved hands came to rest in Bam's hair. The two melted into each others grip, encased in some familiar feeling of being at home. It was gentle and kind, something to indulge in and never let go of. Something to cherish.

When they parted, Bam hesitated before looking his God deep in the eyes. Something in the air felt heavy but not in a bad way, and finally working up the courage he'd been pushing away since these feelings appeared, he leaned forth and their lips connected.

It was gentle at first, something Bam wasn't too used to, and then it grew rougher. The two grabbed at each others clothing, letting out gentle gasps. Hands searched for skin until finally they grew tired of their garments and undressed one another. It was a swift progression, perhaps too swift, but Bam cared not. He had been wanting so much more than to just feel Clown God's lips. This was his chance, and the lust was radiating from both of their bodies. Heart racing, the clowns pulled one another to the ground, grass soft and inviting, as though it were made for that very moment.

Bam was beneath his God, their bodies brushing together, skin on skin generating the warmth of intimacy and the swelling of warmth in many other places of his body. It was clear that they sought the feeling of one another. It was not only a sexual craving but that longing for one another's affection. It was as though they had been starved of touch for many years and that finally they completed one another. Companions since before the death of that Tiefling, they had history together, far more than they let on. It was so long since they had even felt one another's hands, though never had it been in such a situation.

Taking a deep breath, Bam pulled away from another make-out session and looked his deity in the eye. "Clown God, m-may I... honk your nose?"

A soft chuckle arose from the other's chest, and he nodded. "Whenever you please, my dearest Bam."

With that, one shaky hand arose to Clown God's face, gently tracing its features and beautiful makeup before wrapping tentatively around the red sphere upon his nose before pressing down on it. A small _'hooonk'_ arose from the orb and Bam smiled before lips connected hard with his own once again. Of course, the significance of the honk differed from situation to situation and Bam was all too familiar with the arousal that it could bring. The God was subject to this all the same and he felt the gentle grinding of the deity's hips upon his own, beckoning his erection onwards. Wrapping his arms around the other's shoulders, he looked him in the eyes and moved to honk the nose once more. That drove the God even further, pressing the tip of his cock to Bam's round ass.

"Go on then." Bam stuck out his tongue, but soon he was more inclined to bite on it than show it because sensations began to push their way through his body. Warmth and pleasure flared as the God closed the space between their bodies once more. They proceeded to kiss over and over, tongues roaming and moans of bliss intermingling, filling the dream plane with sound. Bam rolled his hips back into the celestial being, craving every last touch and feeling he could get. He moved in sync with his God, groaning into him.

More than content with the slow pace they had taken on, they were pressed together, engulfed in passion for a long time until finally the two erupted into cries of bliss, climaxing. In that moment nothing but them felt real and it was good.

Clown God caressed Bam's face, pressing one final kiss to his dazed face, before reality yanked him back and he awoke with a jolt.

Alarmed, Bam stood, blinking wildly. He looked down, feeling somewhat mucky, only to see that he had left a damp spot in his clothes, no doubt as a result of the dream.

With a groan, he discarded his clothes, deciding it was about time for a wash, and perhaps some time alone to follow up the dream. He knew Clown God would be there in the ethereal plane, watching him with a smirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> elizabeth x moon goddess coming next!!


	2. I Wanna Kiss You Until I Lose My Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> elizabeth x moon goddess
> 
> https://youtu.be/qCwlA7J56XY  
> our first actual ship that isn't so crack and more an actual otp  
> i don't own these characters! elizabeth belongs to my friend and fellow player, and the moon god is played by our dm!
> 
> not nsfw but i may make a follow-up to this that is nsfw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is gonna be 2-part,,, so ye

Dark dreams were in store for Elizabeth O'Gayle as she laid her head to rest. She'd been last to recline, spending some time checking Merlin for injuries and ranting just quietly to him about what a bunch of irresponsible idiots the others were. Of course, being a spider, he didn't have much to complain about but he was a brilliant listener and it always brought her comfort to be in his presence.

Afterwards, she prayed to the Moon Goddess and decided to get some rest. It had been a long day and she wanted nothing more than to rest and forget about the stress for a while.

Her wishes couldn't have been further from what she got, for the moment she slipped into sleep she was greeted with death. Screams resonated around her, trees falling beneath the red-brown sky. The only light was coming from the eclipsed sun, shrouding the land in a dark maroon hue. Surrounding the Druid were the burned corpses of strangers and animals, roasted and crumbling to ashes down to their charred bones. Specks of glowing red magma was splattered across some of the creatures, ashes cascading from above. Dead shrubs were everywhere, wilting flowers drawing in breaths of smoke. Elizabeth reached for one of the flowers, her fingertips brushing the wrinkled petals, channeling her magic to her hands but nothing came of it. It died all the same. Beneath her feet was crunchy yellow grass, uncomfortable beneath her bare feet.

As she moved onwards, she kept her eyes open for familiar faces upon the bodies. None were seen yet but there was an undeniable dread in the bottom of her heart that something terribly wrong was about to happen.

The forest seemed to be closing in around her until suddenly she was faced with the gasping body of Aurora. The Wizard reached out a hand, tears in her wide eyes. Elizabeth reached for her hand, but swiftly a beam of bright light surrounded her and she watched the crying human slowly melt into a mass of a black, oily substance. Horrified, she was tempted to scream but the ethereal presence of a certain white-haired goddess. When she turned, her silver eyes settled upon Elizabeth. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"Elizabeth, I am afraid dark times are to come." She seemed remorseful in her tone. _Has something happened? Did the others mess with something again and she's had to pay for it?_ "You must be careful and choose your friends wisely. I can't guide you down there but _please_ pray to me. I will do everything I can."

"What do you mean? What's going to happen, is everything okay?" the brunette's heart was struck with fear. She bit her lip and clenched her fists, only for the goddess to reach out and take them, entwining their fingers.

"Nothing is okay. I am sorry." The goddess tilted her head down to the human's level, pressing their foreheads together. "I... would have not done this otherwise, but I want you to go through these dark times knowing that you have my blessing and..."

"Will I be able to see you again?" frantically, Elizabeth squeezed the diety's hands, looking her in the eyes with fear alongside something quiet and soft; intimate, perhaps.

"Of course you will." She smiled a weak smile, then with a gentle hand she ran fingers through the human's brown locks before closing the distance between their lips. It was a soft kiss, gentle and kind, and it lasted what felt like an eternity. The goddess' soft skin felt like heaven upon the back of her neck, wandering across her back and then down to her sides.

Suddenly, the ground around them shook. The Moon goddess hastily gave another kiss before stepping away, her eyes widening in alarm. "Elizabeth, we will continue this another time. I must go. Stay safe, I love you."

"I-I love you too." The human didn't have much time to say proper goodbyes as the ethereal being vanished and the earth quaked hard enough to bring her to her knees.

Elizabeth didn't jolt awake like she expected to. No, she just sat and thought of the events of the dream. _Bad things are to come. I must protect these people._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up we will have some wynn x orb weaver,,, not a crack ship but we gotta have it. then after that we'll be having some himanox x dave. yes, even the oxen are getting their place. aaaaand after that bam x ashi comes next


	3. Dancing But Around The Things I Wanna Say That's True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wynn x valas
> 
> https://youtu.be/jDKmKJBhEx4  
> i own wynn [he my baby boye] but i don't own valas!! he is the creation of our delightful dm <3<3
> 
> no nsfw here kiddos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was so tempted to write nsfw for this but,,, not yet
> 
> pretty solid ship tbh
> 
> credit to our lovely DM Alex for some of Valas' responses lmao

'Smart bastards' was certainly not a term that one would regard the party of bumbling buffoons as, for once again - seemingly never learning - they had fucked up. Of course, their first response was to aggressively blame the drunken dwarf who had fallen down on their way to the meeting room, and whilst that seemed like a pretty solid excuse Valas and Ashi were not all too pleased. Naturally one would doubt an incapacitated dwarf's ability to kill and steal from a band of goblin spies, and therefore the two weren't buying it whatsoever and were inclined to sit the group down for a stern talking to.

Guilt was radiating from the party as they took their places in the meeting room. They all seemed very aware of what they'd done, but in displeasure and a necessity to hammer in their wrongdoings even further, Valas straightened his posture and looked over them all with disdain in his purple gaze.

"You all seem to know what you've done, but this is always how it goes. You kill my spies, you get told off and then are allowed to roam free once again." The Drow's tough gaze landed upon Wynn, who held eye contact, unfazed by the ice in the exchange. Before the white-haired man could complete a remark, the dwarf lifted a hand, spilled vodka (who even gave her that?) all over herself, and threw the glass in the wood elf's direction.

Gold opened up her sentence with a loud belch, the burning scent of alcohol filling the room. "Well it isn't our fault if soo _ooooom_ eone was sO SAD because his mOMMY DON'T LOVE HIM that he taaaakes it out on these poor little bastards and wEEeEe just follow along so he doesn't get KILLED."

That struck a chord with the elf and he flared out from his reserved stance, pointing his finger angrily towards Gold. "Don't you fucking say that you damned midget whore."

"You're just mad because yOU're always draggin' US into shit and wEeEeeEEEE get the trouble for it! But when someone speaks out you get all PISSY! Ain't OUR FAULT that she left you, cos clearly you have some ISSUES." She pulled herself groggily to her feet, approaching the Elf with a new bottle (seriously, where the fuck is she getting this vodka?) and threateningly taking a swig.

"Since fucking when? Last time I checked I didn't ask to be wheeled into this shitshow. We wouldn't even be here if your useless alcoholic ass hadn't taken the damn crystal!" heated, Wynn stepped forth to meet her, towering above her though his frail figure somehow pitted her the more capable. The two looked each other dead in the eyes and he took a deep breath. "You fucking _try_ to take me on. I dare you."

With that, Gold smashed the bottle straight into Wynn's face. Alcohol seeped into his eyes and the new cuts upon his face and he let out a pained cry. Rather than attempting to clear his eyes, he lunged forth and grabbed the shorter female by the throat, his hands tightening as they collapsed to the ground. A few shouts came from the surrounding people until finally Ashi took control of the situation. She pulled the two apart hastily, taking Gold's hands and pulling her up seeing as she'd probably struggle to do so on her own. Wynn stumbled backwards onto his knees, bringing his cloak to attempt to wash his face of the blood and alcohol. It burned like something stronger than fire, a pain he was familiar with but unfamiliar with at the same time. He drowned out the sounds of people around him with the pounding of his own head, until finally reality struck him again and he cringed, the pain bringing him to release only a groan of agony when he tried to speak.

Valas, who had been awfully calm during the whole situation, looked down upon Wynn like a scornful god and sighed. "Darling, please don't let that blood drip onto my carpet."

Temptation attempted to push him to smear his blood all over the carpet out of spite, but instead he cupped his hands so they would catch the scarlet droplets. Wynn didn't know what to say nor do. He wanted to cry but he couldn't bring himself to do even that. He just sat and coped with the pain until finally the others filtered out at Ashi's urging and left Valas and Wynn alone.

The elf stood, turned his attention to the Drow, pulled a hand to his own bloodied face and then reached to smear the liquid straight down Valas' chest.

Instant regret washed across him because that was a bad move and he fully expected to be fucking murdered on the spot but no. He was instead met with an amused smirk. "Oh darling, this isn't the first time I've been covered in blood, and seemingly not the last."

Wynn felt a wave of confidence wash over him and he moved even closer, pressing his wounded forehead to the other's. "You didn't stop her."

"Why should I?" the other responded, the smile in his voice apparent as he spoke. "You must learn your lesson. What did you expect her to do, sit down and have a nice talk with you? Or did you really think she'd back down?"

"I-I..." he hesitated, reaching to gently touch the purple-skinned man's jaw, lining it in crimson. "I don't know. I was mad."

"Hm." Valas' eyes traced the elf's face, then he reached with strikingly fast hands to grasp the other's wrists tight. He pushed him away and then turned him, pushing him down onto the chair and leaning over him assertively. "Clean your mess up."

With that, the Drow man made an escape like a ghost, leaving Wynn bleeding, injured and shocked on the chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after this we'll be having some himanox x dave. yes, even the oxen are getting their place. aaaaand after that bam x ashi


	4. Constellations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little oneshot of Valas and Wynn stargazing bc I just... couldn't resist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Imagine your OTP stargazing. Person A knows a lot of constellations and is pointing them out, but Person B can’t figure out where any of them are. Person B enjoys listening to Person A, though.

A restless and stressful night had brought two tired elves to a field outside town, hidden away from anyone who might be wandering the lands at night but vast enough to offer a clear view of the night sky. Glittering with stars, it hung above them as they got comfortable. Too prideful to walk outside in a blanket and too stubborn now to admit that it was cold, Wynn - in his usual attire, leaving all but his chest and waist vulnerable - had taken a seat on top of Valas' waist, straddling him comfortably. The blanket had been stored in a bag alongside a couple other items, including some food and drinks, but despite Valas' rather stern advice he refused. The dark elf didn't really bother wasting his energy with an argument he wasn't going to win, so instead he had tucked it in and pulled Wynn along with him.

Despite the chilly air, the two were content where they were. Beneath them the grass was soft and the field was surrounded by sturdy trees, dense like a protective wall encasing them. Clouds, when any made an appearance, were thin and short-lived, exposing the dark blue expanse overhead.

"We chose a good night to be tense." A small chuckle emerged from the wood elf and he leaned down to cup the other's face gently, planting gentle kisses along his eyebrows and nose.

"My timing is impeccable, darling." Valas responded of course in his usual tone though perhaps a little softer, stare becoming gentler every time soft lips touched his skin; it was hard not to relax with such a sweet sensation. More than anything right then, he wanted to close his eyes and fall asleep there under the seductive starlight. He wouldn't rest until they were back in his room, however, so tenderly he ran his hands across Wynn's sides before casting his gaze up to the stars. "I don't suppose you know much about the constellations?"

_What a strange question._ He shifted, looking down at the dark-skinned man with curiosity. "I haven't really had much time to study them. Why do you ask?"

"I find them rather beautiful. I thought I would check before I start boring you about things you already understand." At those words, the wood elf's face was plastered with a soft smile. He rolled from Valas' lap, snuggling up to his side and gazing up at the dark sky above. He tried to trace shapes in the stars but he was clueless, figuring that a simple shape or two was far too simple and common to make up a constellation. "Right above us is the crown; you should be able to see it immediately."

Now Wynn tried, he really did, but no amount of squinting could bring out the apparent shape of the crown.

Valas didn't seem to notice (or perhaps he had but just didn't care) and after a few moments drew a shape with his finger, tracing stars - or at least he assumed - as he visualized the image they produced. "This is Correlian. Most elves know this one as it's named after an elven diety, Correlon, and Elverquisst has a replica of it on the bottle. Have you ever tried Elverquisst, darling?"

"I drank some a long time ago I think. It's very rare." Just remembering it brought back memories of the sweet taste of sunlight and those precious fruits alongside the burn of alcohol and the slightly sour aftertaste, and immediately a craving for it settled in. They likely wouldn't see any until Autumn, though. It wasn't really produced until then, and even so it was hard to get hands on since it was used in rituals. Nevertheless, he wanted some.

"It's rather nice, isn't it? I'm sure I have some laying around; perhaps tonight we shall drink ourselves to sleep." A strange sound came from Valas, one that he never seemed to be able to get used to but always felt his heart flutter at: a laugh. Absolutely infatuated, the tan boy grinned and lifted himself to give the other a long, sweet kiss on the lips. Though they both wanted to stay forever in the moment, they ended up parting and staring deep into one another's eyes. _Look at me... I'm nothing in comparison to him. He's gorgeous. Truly gorgeous._ His thoughts were cut off, however, and he caught himself before he spaced out again. "You're doing that thing again - don't doubt yourself, sweetheart. You're beautiful - moreso than the constellations."

Wynn hesitated, then leaned in once again this time to share a slow and purely loving kiss. It was a moment of pure peace, free from the world and all the stress placed so heavily upon their shoulders.

This time when they parted, Valas reached for the bag and pulled out the blanket, wrapping it around them - though mainly around Wynn. "You're shivering. Warm up, let me tell you more of the stars. It's amusing watching you search for them."

"Valas-!"

"Hush, little bird. Get comfortable - I'd like to confuse you some more."


End file.
